“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus