At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
You Might Also Like
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Not today
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes