Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.