[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.