My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
You Might Also Like
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect