Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

ㅤ

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.