Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
💯😂
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
What even happened today?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.