Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.