YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
is this meant to deter me