If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
the world’s most popular steaming services
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller