To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
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Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?