Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Beauty and the Beast
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*