I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
mariah carrie
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”