*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Happy Friday
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Meow
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.