Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.