Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
#Caturday
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.