100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You Might Also Like
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
So that’s what we looked like?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
yes… yes…
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Dear Lord..
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.