Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home