Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
You Might Also Like
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.