very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
6: are snakes just neck?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?