But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Happy thanksgiving
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.