One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You Might Also Like
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Very problematic
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?