One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
😭😭
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…