1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.