Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
doing your own taxes
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed