@imdaintyaf

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

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@IRunThisTown7

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@djdarrellripley

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

@funflaps

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

@kenradio

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

@kevinseccia

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

@GrantTanaka

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@papasuncle

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

@DropDeadJud

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.