@Jake_Vig I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
@imdaintyaf Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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@Jake_Vig 
@PartyBitchKayla advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
@AndyAsAdjective “I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
@stephenjmolloy Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
@SoVeryBritish “Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
@michimama75 Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
@Darlainky I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
@JudeFrisco You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
@NikkiPayne14 Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
@WheelTod [Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too