Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real