@imdaintyaf

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

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@Jake_Vig

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

@AndyAsAdjective

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

@SoVeryBritish

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

@michimama75

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

@JudeFrisco

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

@NikkiPayne14

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too