Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.


advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden


“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*


Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”


“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”


Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.


I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.


You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?


Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?


[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too