The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏