I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat