My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.