My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro