Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
then why did i get this email
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.