Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.