I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.