13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
God: Imagine there鈥檚 no heaven, it鈥檚 easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don鈥檛 say that, you鈥檙e drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Her: I鈥檓 hungry. If you loved me you鈥檇 give me breakfast in bed 馃槈
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Him [sexy voice]: let鈥檚 do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that鈥檚 where we eat
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband鈥檚 office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Her: what are you into
Me: pok茅mon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It鈥檚 been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
4: Mommy I鈥檓 sorry but you鈥檙e going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I鈥檒l sit right here while you shower