My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
You Might Also Like
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”