Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…