Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Interior design 👌
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Care for your back
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…