*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”