ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
What personal space?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz