@Try2StopME

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

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@ArfMeasures

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

@WilliamAder

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

@a_simpl_man

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

@JasonNotEvil

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

@KeetPotato

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

@elle91

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

@rajandelman

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz