My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You Might Also Like
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…