If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”


At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything


I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes


Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.


Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.


Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?


gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*