@GDUB18T

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

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@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@MumInBits

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

@N_Doemostmuted

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

@CaptainObtuse

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

@KellyBXah

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@Br00klyn_BeAr

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

@I_am_carbs

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*