TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: