My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!