therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential