4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Lassie, get help!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle