I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I only eat vegetarians.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.