*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off