Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
me after drinking all the wine:
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.