gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Good morning y’all ☀️
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…