My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail