ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless


This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.


Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up


Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.


“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.


me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum


My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail