If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?