Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m giving up for Lent.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.