Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Me too 😆

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.