Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I wanna be friends with this person
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Ron is short for Aaronald
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?