Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
never forget
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Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.