Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

the clam before the storm

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Human are so complicated

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

? 💀

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.