@ThisLocalHater

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

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@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@coffeeandvinyl1

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@ham_why

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@MKupperman

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

@DurtMcHurtt

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

@JodingersCat

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.