The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.